


Les Poissons, Redux

by Gyhl



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, The Little Mermaid (1989)
Genre: Come on, Crack, Gen, I CAN write something without angst!, Odo dancing around a la Louis is the best image, so much crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-20
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2019-03-07 03:19:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13425651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gyhl/pseuds/Gyhl
Summary: Quark has woken up in the kitchen of Royal Chef Louis... in Sebastian's body.





	Les Poissons, Redux

When Quark woke, he had **the __**worst hangover he’d ever had. It wasn’t just the pain in his head, or that his hands felt oddly unresponsive. It was everything. His eyes felt just… **strange** , and the rest of him was too…

Too…

Cumbersome.

“Computer, lights,” he muttered, scratching his head. He really needed to trim his nails, apparently; they were feeling rather sharp.. “ **Computer, lights**!”

The lights came on, but with a flickering slowness that suggested something other than the station lights.

“ _Hon, hon, hon_ , so you are awake, _n’est pas_?”

“Odo. It’s too early for… for whatever. I did it. I don’t care. Book me later.”

Quark reached around for a blanket, and then paused. This was not his room. This was not his bar. This was… well, he would have called it a kitchen counter if he hadn’t been smack in the middle of it.

“Odo, what-”

Odo… was towering over him.

“ **Computer end program!!** ”

“Ahhh, _mon petit poisson_. Zere is no ‘computer’ to save you now, _hon, hon, hon_.”

Quark shook his head and held his hands out in a very hoo-man expression of confusion. Normally, he would have chided himself for that. But right now… well… right now it let him see that his unresponsive hands were shellfish claws.

“ **What** did you just call me?” 

“I called you…” He raised one hand to his lips. “Poi. Sson.”

With each pause, he drew out a mustache in the air, a little tendril of his changeling matrix following along, solidifying into a thin, black mustache. Quark watched with mounting horror as Odo’s nose changed from his usual attempt into something far more bulbous and his security jacket changed into a chef’s jacket.

“Although, _crabe_ is more accurate, _non_?”

With a single, fluid motion, Odo brought down a cleaver that likely would have cut Quark in two, save only for his Ferengi instinct for self-preservation. He managed to skitter back far enough to not be cut down and, while Odo fought to get the knife out of the table, he got his little legs moving enough to scurry away.

“Oooooooodoooo!” came the terrified scream as the crab scurried off the table and sought out a hiding spot.

He could hear the changeling’s heavy steps behind him, and could hear them getting closer with every step. He heard the cleaver hit the table and suddenly found himself in the air. Odo had hit the table hard enough to send him soaring, soaring… straight toward the stove. He flailed, screaming, and managed to fall onto a pan handle.

He skittered, yelping in pain. The handle was hot, but his alternatives were the flame under the pan or the bubbling liquid _in_ the pan. He looked around frantically, looking for some way, any way, off the pan without getting cooked.

And Odo gave him the perfect path. His massive hand came down for Quark, and he closed his claws around one of the changeling’s fingers. To his surprise, Odo didn’t just change shape; he yelled in pain and shook his hand, trying to get the crab off of him. Quark let go, flying across the room with the force of Odo’s flailing.

“I’m **not** a crab, Odo!”

He hit the floor, sliding for a few feet. He hadn’t even stopped sliding when he was scrambling to get his legs under him and ran. He found a hiding place: a cabinet whose bottom was decoratively carved. He dove under it and backed up to the wall, but he didn’t stop looking for a way out.

And a good thing, too, as Odo’s arm was quickly thrust under the cabinet. Quark dodged the first pass of the massive hand and saw it! A hole in the bottom of the cabinet. He jumped, thrusting his claws through it, and clambered up as fast as he could.

Once inside, he started feeling around. He found pots, and pans, and more pots. There was just enough light for him to see by and he wasn’t sure where it was coming from. He had to figure out it, quickly, before Odo realized he’d gone. He started climbing the pots and pans, and found it. Another hole, this one at the top. He climbed, climbed, climbed, and was out.

And back in the open. At least Odo was still on the floor, trying to grab him. But it wouldn’t take that long for Odo to realize his quarry had evaded him and Quark looked around desperately for something, some _way_ of taking Odo out long enough to get away. 

He found a large, glass bowl of something. He couldn’t get up high enough to make it out, but he could move it! Slowly, anyway. He leaned all his little crab might against it and pushed. One inch, two. Alllmost.

And then the bowl was falling. He heard it hit and shatter, the liquid inside going everywhere. He didn’t wait around to see if it had knocked Odo out. He turned and started running. He jumped down from the table and skittered away from Odo.

And then he saw it: a way out! He ran for the door as fast as he little legs could carry him. He was a few feet away when the cleaver came down in front of him, blocking his way to the door. He hit the side of the knife and started skittering away, but it was too late. Odo grabbed him and picked him up, his clawed hands inside the changeling’s grip.

“After all zese years! I have you now!” He held up a meat tenderizer. “Tonight we shall eat stuffed _crabe_!”

He tossed Quark on the table, bringing the tenderizer down as quickly as he could. Quark held up his clawed hands, screaming…

...and woke up in the same way. Rom was watching him, looking very concerned. He’d fallen asleep in his bar! His beautiful, Odo-free bar! He kissed the bar, twice, three times.

“Uhhh, are you all right, brother?”

“ **Am I alright?!** Of course I’m alright! I’m alive and Odo…. wait, where’s Odo?!”

Odo popped up from behind the bar. Quark’s relief was short lived as he took in the changeling. And the changeling’s bulbous nose and mustache.

“ _Oui, mon crabe_?”

It was all too much for Quark. He leapt off the barstool and ran, screaming about not being a crab. Rom, meanwhile, was staring at Odo, who shifted back to his usual form. The only sign that something was strange about Odo was the Trill spots going up his head and the different hairstyle. 

“Whaat did you do to him?”

Odo held up a small, circular device. “It’s a Dream Maker. One simply programs it with a dream they want and play it. They’re illegal in this sector. I confiscated it off of a trader last week.” He chuckled to himself. “I love being a changeling.”


End file.
